The Unspoken Rules...

It's funny how the same qualities and characteristics that he said contributed to him falling in love with me, are the very ones he stripped me of. I think my sense of humor was one of my best qualities and that was the one he focused on the most. He knew what laughter did for me, how it lifted my spirits and helped me enjoy life. He also knew my sense of humor was what my friends and family loved most about me. I think that's why he worked so hard to break me of it.
 I've been safe from him for over 4 months now and I still don't feel safe enough to watch reruns of Seinfeld on the television. I couldn't watch any primarily Caucasian funny sitcoms, he felt they taught me how to be a "smart ass". That was a huge unspoken rule in our house. I still find myself not buying pork at the grocery store or if I do, I cook it and throw it away because I have guilt for even buying it. If I wear a cute shirt that I like but it shows a little too much skin, I cover up or change it. I'm meticulous about giving my son a bath because god forbid my son has wax in his ears or dirt under his neck. The list could go on and on of the many crazy and always changing rules. They are so ingrained in me that I'm having a hard time breaking them now that he's gone.
He had a real talent for making me feel stupid for enjoying simple things like a song on the radio or a cute baby in the grocery store. Eventually, it got to tiring for me to try and save my joy , humor and personality so I gave up. I stopped having an opinion or say on anything because I finally realized that every time I would learn and master a rule he would change the rules.