My Story...My Journey...My Desire to Live.

I am a first time blogger so please forgive my typos or any other mistakes ahead of time but I'm here to get my story out and raise awareness of the effects of domestic violence on our women, children and communities...

I figure I should start out with my story. I have been looking for a way to be heard for a long time now. When I first entered the relationship with my abuser I had a tremendous amount of family, friends and co-workers. By the time I escaped my abuser 6 years later I found myself alone with 2 children and no where to go. Yes, I have a counselor who is a tremendous help and both my children's schools counselors are aware of our situation and are very supportive. I appreciate the help from the community more than words can express because they were there for me when I had no friends and family to help but I'm still missing that intimate connection or conversation with someone who truly understands what my children and I have endured the last 6 years.

Now when I look back all the signs were there but love had me so blinded I refused to see the red flags and refused to listen to my intuition. The emotional abuse started very early on in the relationship. He spent the first month building me up just to start breaking me down. He started that as soon as he was convinced that he had won my heart and I wasn't going anywhere.

The physical abuse did not start until after our son was born, probably about a month after his birth. Once the baby stopped breast feeding and didn't have to rely on me for survival I lost all control and say over our son. This was around the same time that family members and friends started to walk away from me. They tried to warn me and I would defend him and say things like " you don't know what he's been through in life and he would never hurt me or his child" or " you don't understand the stress he is under , he doesn't mean to do it". Eventually everyone got so sick of it they walked away.

When I realized I was alone my abuser took this opportunity to convince me to move to Florida with his family. Worst thing I could've ever done was make that move but I did because I truly believed the happier he was the better my children and I's life would be. Once he had me completely isolated in Florida his drug abuse and the physical abuse towards me kicked into high gear.

The first time I attempted to run was when my abuser kept me locked up in the house for three days and did nothing but terrorize me with threats like " I could kill you and bury you down here and no one would ever know" or " next time you go to the store I'm taking the baby and leaving you". Between the days of threats and physical abuse he finally took my son and I out of the house to his mothers business. When I got my first opportunity to run with my son my abuser chased me down and took the baby. So I had to make the choice do I leave my baby and risk him kidnapping him while I go for help or do I stay. I must have been truly scared for my life because I left my baby and ran barefoot through the grass to the neighboring business ( an auto parts store ).

The workers there locked the doors and listened to me and tried to get me to call 911 but after a few minutes I started worrying about my baby so I went back. I finally got my abuser to give me my son in exchange for the car keys and cell phone. I then took my son and walked to his other family business about 2 miles away. I couldn't carry my baby the whole way so I hitched a ride. I'll never forget the sweet gentleman in the worn down minivan who picked us up and pleaded for me to take his money to get back to Massachusetts. At the moment I had too much pride to take money from this hard working family man. I thanked him for the ride and finished the brief walk to the families other business.

While with my sons great grandmother I had to listen to her tell me how to be a proper wife and how I'm supposed to take the abuse quietly and not involve other people in our family business. I'm grateful that I was aware enough to realize she only said those awful things because she is an elderly black woman who grew up in the deep south, that's all she knew. Soon after my abuser came and picked us up and took us home. It was the next day that I pulled an old corded phone out of boxes and hooked it up and dialed 911 and hung up. I knew if I called and hung up from a house phone they would just show up and they did. They saw the bruises on my arms and chased him down the street and arrested him for domestic abuse. As soon as they took him I started making calls to family back home who wired me money for me to pack the kids and drive home. I believe I had just reached South Carolina when my abuser made his first call to me since the arrest. He made bail came home and found the house empty. He couldn't believe I left and begged for me to come home and I almost did but at the time I was too scared to lose my kids to cps in Florida if I stayed. So I told him I loved him but I love our kids more and to please get help so he could come back to us one day.

Once back in Massachusetts I had to get back on my own two feet. Within two months I was in my own place with a full time job and life was great. Once he found out I was on my own again the calls started saying he wanted to come home. I stayed strong for 9 months eventually I gave in and  he came home and within 3 months I got my first beating. He ended up beating me so badly that I attempted to throw my child and myself out a second story window to escape but he pulled us back in. He ended up getting 18 months but serving 11 and coming right back home.

I tried hard after that to be a "good wife" and do as he wanted. I learned how to behave which resulted in less beatings but they never stopped completely. That is until this past September of 2012. This beating all started because I accidentally bumped into him. It was so bad this time that he twisted my wrist until it broke. He was on top of me, beating me and out of the corner of my eye I saw a glass ashtray. I grabbed it, smashed it and took a shard of glass and stabbed him with it. I grabbed my son who was nearby watching all of this and ran to a neighbor who called 911. He has been incarsarated ever since and we are currently going to trial soon. I am scared out of my mind to testify against my abuser but I keep asking myself if he could snap my wrist with such ease what could he do to my neck?

I need to survive for my kids. If I'm not here to guide my daughter decisions she's going to end up a victim just like me. If I don't remove my son from this situation statistics say he's going to end up an abuser like his daddy or he's going to murder his daddy for abusing me. No child deserves that kind of life and I have to start with helping my kids before I can help others. So yes I will testify and tell my story and once he is convicted I can start the process of helping others.