You call this justice???

They say it takes an average of leaving 7 times before you leave your abuser for good. I'm not keeping score but my domestic violence counselor and I have agreed that this last time was probably around my 7th attempt. I did everything ive been trained to do to protect myself. I kept car keys and a cell phone on me at all times, I avoided fights in the kitchen and bathroom and yes I called 911 when I was scared for my life. I even did the unimaginable and actually testified in front of a judge and jury all for NOTHING. It turns out the abuser has more rights than I could've ever imagined.

As I first approached the testimony box in the courtroom I was trembeling with fear. I sat down and scanned the room. I saw my abuser to the left, and avoided eye contact with him and then scanned over the audience in the court and then the jurors. The jurors were all Caucasian and asked during jury selection if they had any bias to interracial relationships or domestic violence. They all responded no. With that being said I felt confident we have a good jury.

I was nervous for the first few questions. I was pretty much answering yes or no and then I realized I need these jurors to hear how bad the abuse was. So I started answering the questions in more detail. Then the 911 call was played...it was my first time hearing it in the court room. I remember losing it when I heard myself on the tape say to my son "go get help for mommy". At this point I was positive my abuser would be found guilty. My testimony was the only portion of the trial that I as the VICTIM was allowed in the court room for. My abuser was allowed in the courtroom for all of it, even my testimony. Finally after hours of pacing the court house halls the jury finished deliberating.

I sat in the back of the court out of sight from my abuser and his family while I listened to the jury read NOT GUILTY on both counts. I couldn't believe it...he is free and walking out of court today. Honestly, all that I could think about in that devastating moment was to get my kids before he was walking the streets. I drove out of that court as fast as I could and got my son from preschool and then rushed home to my daughter who was already home from school. I sat in my room and cried for quite awhile. I honestly hadn't considered what I would do if he didn't get convicted. This supposed man and father who I now only refer to as my abuser or ex is really freaking FREE.

Now this all happened about 2 weeks ago and here I am awake at 4 a.m. blogging. I am up because I don't want to fall back asleep and slip right back into the nightmares that have been keeping me up every night since court. Just a few nights ago I was dreaming that I was in the house watching my children play in the yard from the window. All of a sudden this nice peaceful dream about my children turns into a nightmare that still haunts me. So I'm watching the kids play and all of a sudden I see a coyote digging in the trash. I yell out to the kids "stay still there's a coyote ill be right there". I run downstairs to try to distract the coyote so my kids can run in the house. I start banging things around and yelling so the coyote will focus on me while the kids run inside. It worked and the coyote slowly started approaching me and as it did it started to turn into my ex aka my abuser. Now here I am talking face to face with him and now panicking because I know I'm going to have to fight for my life. That is when I woke up crying with my heart pounding and racing.

Now until last night I was pretty confident that this was actually the end and he was going to leave me alone. I haven't heard from him or his family, I have had sightings but nothing major. Last night however my phone started ringing private around 1a.m. I would've answered but whoever it was wasn't letting it ring more than once. My gut tells me it was him but he was panicking and hanging up. He is not sure if he can take the risk of violating a restraining order because 2 weeks ago I did something I've never done before. I TESTIFIED!

Only time will tell but for now I will continue to be aware of everything around me and keep on surviving. I am strong enough to do this. I left him, I tried my best to put him away and now that he's out I'm still living and moving on. He did not win. I am me and I am safe with my children. I couldn't ask for more. It's only a matter of time before he is back in jail for some reason of another but it doesn't matter because he is not my problem anymore. So even though justice was not given for me and my pain I did not lose. I am FREE from his prison and torture and I can rebuild can he???